Does Independence Equal Happiness?

Long Post Alert!

I read an article recently about how the current generation of 20 somethings are in secret competition with each other to appear the most independent, the most 'together', career driven, or 'grown' etc. I've probably touched on this in other posts too but it got me questioning what independence actually was. The general guidelines in the article seemed to revolve their criteria around having more money than those around you by a certain age,  having gone from graduate to the youngest person to become a Chartered Accountant at Deloitte (or other high powered equivalent), or being engaged and living comfortably in an actually habitable property in Central London- by 24 years old.

Aside from all of that superficial, "I'm better than x amount of people" nonsense; which more often than not stems from insecurity or arrogance more than anything, I still didn't think these factors necessarily constituted an acceptable gauge of what being independent actually entailed. 

The word as an adjective by definition means:

A) Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

B) Free from outside control; not subject to another's authority.

Point A encompassed what we'd see on Elite Daily or whatever lifestyle website is popular right now. Point B however struck me the most. I'd already formulated a few ideas about what this word meant to me and this definition said it all in 9 words. My interpretation centered around the ability to think freely without opression and limitation, to be able to mentally function without negative outside influences warping your ability to be make rational decisions and be happy and lastly being able to look after yourself, if you took everyone around you out of the equation. Now quite literally this could mean, finding happiness in one's own company- alone, or having a smaller group of friends you actually love, rather than a big group of acquaintances you have to change yourself for. I also felt that it could even extend to being an avid receptor of knowledge and life, having an awareness of beauty in unusual places and not being naive to the world and all of its inglorious and unscrupulous workings.

After this I thought to myself, yes Lucy, by these definitions you are quite independent and this is a good thing. I knew exactly who I did and didn't care about. I knew that if I couldn't always be with these people, of course i'd miss them a lot but I wouldn't suddenly start rocking back and forward at the prospect of being on my own for a while. I am so open minded that I regularly confuse myself with what I believe in and I thrive on trying to 'know' things even when I don't fully understand them. Some may be thinking "you sound a bit up yourself, what do you know about anything, why does your opinion even matter random internet girl?" or even "typical bloody women over thinking everything". Whilst I don't claim to have the answers to life's greatest mysteries I do think that maybe this 'independence' business; isn't always a good thing- here's why:

I don't entertain idiots like a court jester, just to feel like I fit in somewhere but in the same instance people aren't flocking to be friends with me in return. Often times; they keep their distance despite being lovely to my face. I always thought it was just because I was a bit out there and kooky, but I realised recently that maybe I was the one causing and maintaining this distance. I was so content and wrapped up in my own ambitions and insular happiness that I forgot to keep in contact with friends, would reply to messages infrequently, and fail to invite people out! I talk as though; now I've seen the light, I've suddenly become a better communicator but I haven't because I am still guilty of being selfish and shutting people out even though it is never actually intentional. My indepence was and is still pushing people away. To what avail though? What has being this (figuratively) self sufficient actually got me?! Nothing great so far, except a reputation for being almost impossible to get hold of and yes...rude.

Think of the men and women at the highest points of their careers. If we're talking Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs they've got the whole thing covered- or so they think. They rose to this position by being unapologetically clever. They had a thirst for success, a fair share of confidence and yes complete self awareness. They put the hours in when everyone told them to slow down and were the first in and last out of the office each day. Based on this alone I bet a fair share of their less ambitious colleagues probably criticised them behind their back for being a kiss ass or for trying to hard. Along the way though they probably lost contact with friends on 'the outside' due to excessive work loads dictating their every move. Maybe they even went as far as convincing themselves those friends were going to hinder their success! Eventually however, I wondered whether they reached the top but still weren't satisfied. Was it possible that all of this effort they put in to do things so adamantly by themselves, had only benefitted their bank balance, job title and fuller wardrobe.

Some people may think that being the boss, overtly sexual or the leader of a friendship group is the be all and end all of an independent life- especially by these new modern standards. Unfortunately however, I've seen first hand examples of how this attitude can have a ripple effect on those nearest and dearest. I've known kids who have come from families with very 'successful' parents, question why their Dad is never at home. They were given everything they wanted but the core needs of love, family and safety, in the bottom half of Maslow's pyramid, were often sparse or rushed because there was simply no time. Their parent's priorities were regularly and visibly elsewhere and whilst having honourable intentions to help their family and give their child everything, other areas got neglected in the process. It's great being respected by others but if your Wife/Husband/Kids are lacking the basic attention they deserve, considering how much time you spend focusing on world domination, how are they ever going to feel fullfilled?.  As sad as it sounds, I bet eventually they may find that everyone they once cared for has walked away, because with independence can come introversion and a one sided viewpoint on how life should be lead.

Now please don't think I am generalising all things to all people or criticising the powerful businessmen and women out there. A lot of you manage it all, quite incredibly with no apparent detriments elsewhere but if you asked yourself whether any area of your life has been subject to harsh compromise I wonder what you would tell me. 

I have a theory, which I'll call The Independence vs Happiness Matrix (ooo Matron). The basic principle of this is really nothing new but it is relevant, especially in our society of I CAN DO EVERYTHING MYSELF. The more adamant you are that you do not need anything or anyone else, the less happy you will be. Why? Because you'll probably have to shut a hell of a lot of people out to prove your point. Not accepting help in favour of trying to prove to your peers, parents or even yourself that you are more than capable of living with out them, could actually isolate you from those who might have been able to help you on your way even just in a supportive sense. You prefer doing things by yourself because they get completed faster and more accurately, instead of properly hiring or training the right person to help take some of the weight off of your shoulders.  You enjoy your own company because everyone else is an idiot but what if one of those idiots was actually a really decent person? We are all entitled to alone time but if alone time is all the time maybe it's time to be a little less guarded.

Independence and happiness are more often than not represented as going hand in hand with each other. But some of the toughest things in life are better dealt with if there is a support network there to guide and help you and if you let them do it. As an extreme example, would the pyramids have ever got off the ground if the ringmaster Pharaoh had insisted on building it all himself?..lol. It is healthier to let other ideas, personalities and people in because the worst they can do is let you down and if they do that is just life.  Independence takes as much as it gives. A bit like self inflicted karma.

Another angle people overlook or dont consider is that they may be acting 'Independent' as a more visible way of masking feelings of anger or resentment. Nothing makes you more antisocial and reluctant to mix with people than bad past experiences and if they are bad enough to cause you to withdraw from things and people, that's not independence by definition. It shouldn't be a forced personality trait that enables you to shut yourself off. Easier for me to say I know, but this anger will eventually show through in some way and rather than solving the problem it could end up exacerbating it. 

I should add that I'm not saying that being capable is a bad thing. Why should someone else do everything for you or take credit for something you worked for alone? If you go to the gym to get stronger or leaner, you can lift your own boxes when moving house and open your own jams jars. If you are independent you can travel the world and not have emotional detachment issues leaving behind all of your new found friends. If you can cope alone, you can control literally everything.  It's when it starts to completely rule over your every judgement that it could start to take as much as it can give you. You may have set up an entire brand or fashion label entirely by yourself; but if you have no idea how to actually run a business, you can accept help or continue to stubbornly assume you are the best and only person for the job.  Independence can lead to a false sense of capability!   

Does being self reliant = Results? That's a slightly different question, as having the ability to ask for what you want and actively go and achieve something is quite a skill. But Independence and happiness?  I'm not sure the two can co-exist when the emphasis is placed solely on the former. Balance and some humility seem to be the key here.

After all of this do I still think I'm Independent? Errm I think I have a few things to work on in this department. Sharing is caring after all.

P.s I am aware that meme above is incorrectly spelt. Let's assume the creator was a strong independent meme maker who don't need no autocorrect.  

Why It's OK to To Be Different.

As a commenter on the Daily Mail website; not to be confused with keyboard warrior, windup merchant or troll, I was enthused to start my own blog when I realised I got too wound up by the DM, had a lot to say but no where to say it. Luckily for anyone reading this, you won't find any tattoo bashing, Conservative/UKIP plugging, 'working class' hating going on here.

In this world of celebrity culture, corruption and general idiots I will quite happily remain an outsider. When I was a child through to a teenager, I enjoyed being unashamedly myself which was a combination of dare I say it, embarrassingly immature, but also switched on to the world around me and I actively didn't want to be a part of it. Of course I was bullied for this. Now that I am older, I feel like I still can't escape the beady eye of some of my peers. If I don't contour my face every day i'm lazy,  if I don't spend every waking moment of my life obsessing over obtaining a beach body, i'm not going to be considered attractive.

I didn't care to be the most popular at school, I just wanted to enjoy life which has stretched into adulthood.  Metaphorically speaking, I sometimes look around me as though everyone's in a Sims game that I am not a part of, or like I am a creator of a Matrix world just watching over everyone with a large glass of wine and a raised eyebrow... a bit like how I imagine God would...not that I am putting myself in the same category!! What I mean by all this is, I am quite happy keeping myself to myself, reading a good book or even writing my own book and what gets me is that people find this so strange.

The amount of times people look at me questioningly when I tell them that I love science, quantum physics, fixing computers and trying to help fix my boyfriend's car, just as much as I love dressing up for nights out and talking about Mulberry handbags. I enjoy walking around museums, going to parks & discussing the meaning of life over (another) glass of wine with my boyfriend; getting no closer to the answer but closer to the bottom of the bottle, whilst revelling in the mystery of it all. Real life fascinates me and I find it sad that it doesn't do the same for quite a lot of young people now.

What's most important here is that liking all of these thinks is OK too. Having interests that other people find boring or not stereotypically something your gender is supposed to like is OK. If you let sheepy, jealous and insecure people dictate what you should and shouldn't be doing, you not only let them think they are right, you restrict your own happiness.

The older I get, the more averse I become to participating in the rat race that is life's popularity contest. I don't aspire to move into a posh 'bisous' / 'not even a studio flat' just off the Kings Road; that costs 80% of my monthly salary, just to look like I can afford a certain lifestyle. I don't want 1 million Instagram followers and I won't upload a selfie or butt shot every single day to keep them there. I don't pretend to love someone 3x my age to get money from them. I am not a social climber that uses and abuses people for my own gain- all of this instant gratification narcissism bullshit can jog on and for me to feel that is OK.

It's shocking what people are prepared to do to themselves to gain popularity and they don't see anything wrong with it. It's OK to have a boob job because YOU don't really like your boobs, but it's not ok to see a celebrity do it and decide you want one too- just because it's got that celebrity 999,999 likes on Instagram and a free supply of Triangl bikinis. In creating these images for themselves they are reinforcing this idea that conformity wins over everything, or that you can never succeed or be good enough if you are just 100% yourself.  This is so wrong.

If it's not in seeing the likes of the Kylie Jenners of the world, morphing before our eyes into combinations of Blac Chyna and Jocelyn Wildenstein before they hit 20, or seeing the Daily Mail reporting on the rise of knee fat and cankles in women, it's going to be something else ridiculous.  No one can win in this game once they start playing it. The only people who reap the benefits of increased social insecurity are the media, who keep churning articles and magazines out with the sole intention of making you question yourself, your body or your life choices aaaand the plastic surgeons who are getting all of this new business.

I'm going to end on this. People who seek to humiliate you for the way you do things are often intimidated by something...whether it's your confidence, your happiness, what you look like or what you have. Someone with a seemingly 'socially acceptable' & perfect life can be equally jealous of you, for many things and often times they will try and push you off course by making you doubt yourself. Lastly, comparing yourself to the people in the media; who are themselves, either trying to portray a certain image, or being criticised for not, is like chasing a rainbow only to find there is no pot of gold at the end. It is OK to be quirky and like other things. It's the people with something different to offer that will end up leading the best lives overall.