Does Independence Equal Happiness?

Long Post Alert!

I read an article recently about how the current generation of 20 somethings are in secret competition with each other to appear the most independent, the most 'together', career driven, or 'grown' etc. I've probably touched on this in other posts too but it got me questioning what independence actually was. The general guidelines in the article seemed to revolve their criteria around having more money than those around you by a certain age,  having gone from graduate to the youngest person to become a Chartered Accountant at Deloitte (or other high powered equivalent), or being engaged and living comfortably in an actually habitable property in Central London- by 24 years old.

Aside from all of that superficial, "I'm better than x amount of people" nonsense; which more often than not stems from insecurity or arrogance more than anything, I still didn't think these factors necessarily constituted an acceptable gauge of what being independent actually entailed. 

The word as an adjective by definition means:

A) Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

B) Free from outside control; not subject to another's authority.

Point A encompassed what we'd see on Elite Daily or whatever lifestyle website is popular right now. Point B however struck me the most. I'd already formulated a few ideas about what this word meant to me and this definition said it all in 9 words. My interpretation centered around the ability to think freely without opression and limitation, to be able to mentally function without negative outside influences warping your ability to be make rational decisions and be happy and lastly being able to look after yourself, if you took everyone around you out of the equation. Now quite literally this could mean, finding happiness in one's own company- alone, or having a smaller group of friends you actually love, rather than a big group of acquaintances you have to change yourself for. I also felt that it could even extend to being an avid receptor of knowledge and life, having an awareness of beauty in unusual places and not being naive to the world and all of its inglorious and unscrupulous workings.

After this I thought to myself, yes Lucy, by these definitions you are quite independent and this is a good thing. I knew exactly who I did and didn't care about. I knew that if I couldn't always be with these people, of course i'd miss them a lot but I wouldn't suddenly start rocking back and forward at the prospect of being on my own for a while. I am so open minded that I regularly confuse myself with what I believe in and I thrive on trying to 'know' things even when I don't fully understand them. Some may be thinking "you sound a bit up yourself, what do you know about anything, why does your opinion even matter random internet girl?" or even "typical bloody women over thinking everything". Whilst I don't claim to have the answers to life's greatest mysteries I do think that maybe this 'independence' business; isn't always a good thing- here's why:

I don't entertain idiots like a court jester, just to feel like I fit in somewhere but in the same instance people aren't flocking to be friends with me in return. Often times; they keep their distance despite being lovely to my face. I always thought it was just because I was a bit out there and kooky, but I realised recently that maybe I was the one causing and maintaining this distance. I was so content and wrapped up in my own ambitions and insular happiness that I forgot to keep in contact with friends, would reply to messages infrequently, and fail to invite people out! I talk as though; now I've seen the light, I've suddenly become a better communicator but I haven't because I am still guilty of being selfish and shutting people out even though it is never actually intentional. My indepence was and is still pushing people away. To what avail though? What has being this (figuratively) self sufficient actually got me?! Nothing great so far, except a reputation for being almost impossible to get hold of and yes...rude.

Think of the men and women at the highest points of their careers. If we're talking Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs they've got the whole thing covered- or so they think. They rose to this position by being unapologetically clever. They had a thirst for success, a fair share of confidence and yes complete self awareness. They put the hours in when everyone told them to slow down and were the first in and last out of the office each day. Based on this alone I bet a fair share of their less ambitious colleagues probably criticised them behind their back for being a kiss ass or for trying to hard. Along the way though they probably lost contact with friends on 'the outside' due to excessive work loads dictating their every move. Maybe they even went as far as convincing themselves those friends were going to hinder their success! Eventually however, I wondered whether they reached the top but still weren't satisfied. Was it possible that all of this effort they put in to do things so adamantly by themselves, had only benefitted their bank balance, job title and fuller wardrobe.

Some people may think that being the boss, overtly sexual or the leader of a friendship group is the be all and end all of an independent life- especially by these new modern standards. Unfortunately however, I've seen first hand examples of how this attitude can have a ripple effect on those nearest and dearest. I've known kids who have come from families with very 'successful' parents, question why their Dad is never at home. They were given everything they wanted but the core needs of love, family and safety, in the bottom half of Maslow's pyramid, were often sparse or rushed because there was simply no time. Their parent's priorities were regularly and visibly elsewhere and whilst having honourable intentions to help their family and give their child everything, other areas got neglected in the process. It's great being respected by others but if your Wife/Husband/Kids are lacking the basic attention they deserve, considering how much time you spend focusing on world domination, how are they ever going to feel fullfilled?.  As sad as it sounds, I bet eventually they may find that everyone they once cared for has walked away, because with independence can come introversion and a one sided viewpoint on how life should be lead.

Now please don't think I am generalising all things to all people or criticising the powerful businessmen and women out there. A lot of you manage it all, quite incredibly with no apparent detriments elsewhere but if you asked yourself whether any area of your life has been subject to harsh compromise I wonder what you would tell me. 

I have a theory, which I'll call The Independence vs Happiness Matrix (ooo Matron). The basic principle of this is really nothing new but it is relevant, especially in our society of I CAN DO EVERYTHING MYSELF. The more adamant you are that you do not need anything or anyone else, the less happy you will be. Why? Because you'll probably have to shut a hell of a lot of people out to prove your point. Not accepting help in favour of trying to prove to your peers, parents or even yourself that you are more than capable of living with out them, could actually isolate you from those who might have been able to help you on your way even just in a supportive sense. You prefer doing things by yourself because they get completed faster and more accurately, instead of properly hiring or training the right person to help take some of the weight off of your shoulders.  You enjoy your own company because everyone else is an idiot but what if one of those idiots was actually a really decent person? We are all entitled to alone time but if alone time is all the time maybe it's time to be a little less guarded.

Independence and happiness are more often than not represented as going hand in hand with each other. But some of the toughest things in life are better dealt with if there is a support network there to guide and help you and if you let them do it. As an extreme example, would the pyramids have ever got off the ground if the ringmaster Pharaoh had insisted on building it all himself?..lol. It is healthier to let other ideas, personalities and people in because the worst they can do is let you down and if they do that is just life.  Independence takes as much as it gives. A bit like self inflicted karma.

Another angle people overlook or dont consider is that they may be acting 'Independent' as a more visible way of masking feelings of anger or resentment. Nothing makes you more antisocial and reluctant to mix with people than bad past experiences and if they are bad enough to cause you to withdraw from things and people, that's not independence by definition. It shouldn't be a forced personality trait that enables you to shut yourself off. Easier for me to say I know, but this anger will eventually show through in some way and rather than solving the problem it could end up exacerbating it. 

I should add that I'm not saying that being capable is a bad thing. Why should someone else do everything for you or take credit for something you worked for alone? If you go to the gym to get stronger or leaner, you can lift your own boxes when moving house and open your own jams jars. If you are independent you can travel the world and not have emotional detachment issues leaving behind all of your new found friends. If you can cope alone, you can control literally everything.  It's when it starts to completely rule over your every judgement that it could start to take as much as it can give you. You may have set up an entire brand or fashion label entirely by yourself; but if you have no idea how to actually run a business, you can accept help or continue to stubbornly assume you are the best and only person for the job.  Independence can lead to a false sense of capability!   

Does being self reliant = Results? That's a slightly different question, as having the ability to ask for what you want and actively go and achieve something is quite a skill. But Independence and happiness?  I'm not sure the two can co-exist when the emphasis is placed solely on the former. Balance and some humility seem to be the key here.

After all of this do I still think I'm Independent? Errm I think I have a few things to work on in this department. Sharing is caring after all.

P.s I am aware that meme above is incorrectly spelt. Let's assume the creator was a strong independent meme maker who don't need no autocorrect.  

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

(warning long post alert) 

Inspired by the above quote, it got me thinking. In this thoroughly modern age it has become increasingly difficult to escape the relentless probing questions that your parents, grandparents, teachers, dentists and random shopkeepers are asking you about your life and your life choices. Whether it's the lady in the Post Office who has known you since you were a baby asking when you're off to university, or your grandma asking why you aren't married yet, it seems that someone out there is ready to cast judgement on what you are doing. It's an inescapable reality that I've found myself confronting on a regular basis and the pressure of which can become quite overwhelming. 

I first experienced this and fully understood the pressure and weight of these kinds of questions when I was 9/10 years old and faced with the enormous decision of which high school I wanted to attend. There was a lot available from comprehensive to private and I was in the catchment area for pretty much all of them. All I really knew was that I liked the idea of going to a girls grammar/private school because I thought that was where the most successful girls would be... and they had nice uniforms...and I was quite obsessed with being Hermione Granger...and they often had swimming pools.  

The main issues here were a) I wasn't an A grade student b) I wasn't stinking rich c) I wasn't Hermione Granger (that part burnt the most). The other sad thing about all of this was that at the tender age of 9 years old, I was already completely aware of and concerned about being generically 'successful'. I applied to a mixture of schools (including comprehensives) but it still didn't stop me feeling absolutely gut wrenchingly awful when I didn't pass the exams for the 'posher' schools and I had to kiss goodbye to the dream of being 'someone important'...AT 11 YEARS OLD. I wasn't legally old enough to vote, drive or drink or allowed to go to shopping by myself - I was a minor. Yet despite this, I had garnered enough information from Junior school teachers, PTA mums, and fellow classmates, that to be more successful I needed to be at the top of the class and go to a grammar school. I was pretty much forced to start thinking about what I wanted to do as an adult, when I hadn't even hit puberty and still watched cartoons. 

My mum believed that as long as I was happy I'd 'do well' and in the end she was right. I got 12 GCSE's A*-B and that was all from a bog standard London comprehensive -sans excessive pressure. Unfortunately for me though, the judgement didn't end there and in came the next round of "lets give our opinion even though you didn't ask for it" this time from my teachers: 

What are you going to do at Sixth Form? 

Are you going to College? 

Are you doing A Levels? 

Ohhh, you are thinking of doing a BTEC wouldn't it be better to do A Levels? Etc etc etc. 

I knew that my strengths at the time were in creative or technological fields and armed with that decision I had to decide: Which industry will see me become more 'successful'? Which has better career prospects? What courses would get me into a good university? Do they do creative courses at Oxford? (lol, they don't). If you're looking for a visual representation of my brain at this point, just think of a pressure cooker boiling up and waiting to explode with confusion. My headmaster drilled into us the importance of being academic and even went as far as to show us a pie chart of how university students earn more than school leavers. There was really no room for deviation in his eyes and this stressed me out. I didn't at this point want to be a lawyer and even though I was a hard working student, I really didn't want to lose my creative side. 

I was really nifty with computers but I loved videography and music. Neighbours would jump on this topic to add their 2 cents "ohh you don't want to do media, there is a shed load of kids with media degrees, do maths or a science"... "Haha I want fries with that".  I knew for a fact that choosing maths or science, when I didn't get A* at GCSE, combined with a hugely differing standard of teachers, was probably a recipe for disaster. So I did a combination of creative, academic and technological A Levels. 

You can see where i'm going next with this so i'll cut it down to: Eat Sleep Worry About University Choices Repeat. 

It only occurred to me recently that so many of my decisions were being swayed by people who either didn't know me well enough to comment, or only thought success could be judged on your yearly salary and job title. I was 'losing' myself trying to keep people happy that were going to judge me regardless, and to try and compete with others around me who had a totally different skill set to me. Of course being an Investment Banker would get me some majorly decent P's and I could go for regular cheeky Nandos with the Banker ladz, but that wasn't what I wanted back then.  

So here I am now, older and wiser? I'm not sure. All I do know is that I am no longer lost despite the fact that i'm definitely wandering. 2015 has seen my life become a KFC combo box meal of tits up, just keep swimming and ahh finally you are back on track.  The difference is, this year i've learnt that I CAN cope with this tumultuous question mark on my life by force field rejecting some of that external pressure.  Chalk it up to experience, have a little cry or laugh it off, these experience are all here to teach something and i've certainly learned a lot. 

So, in a bid to triumph through adversity, i've taught myself how to de-stress, to accept opinions but also to go with my gut even if it doesn't seem right to everyone else.  In the last year i've learnt how to be resilient to assholes and resourceful with money. In the last few months in particular I've developed a much clearer understanding of what I want to do and surprise surprise, I didn't even need to go to university to do it. I still have the burning desire to be successful but i'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get onto that path instantly like I would've done as a misguided and 'lost' teenager.  Good things take time and sometimes a whole lot of wandering and mistakes first. 

Not all those who wander are lost. Maybe they've already found themselves. 

Dear Fat People, A Response to Nicole Arbleugh

Just a few weeks ago hardly anyone had heard of Nicole Arbour and now she has sent a wave of mixed emotions across the internet and upped her subscriber count greatly. Some applaud her apparent 'brutal' honesty and others question her motives of supposedly trying to inspire overweight people into losing a few pounds. I personally do not think there were any compassionate motives with this as there is an enormous difference between tough love and mockery. You can't pull all of the 'yo mama so fat' jokes out of the hat and expect everyone to want to be your friend. You can't outright laugh at someone so brazenly and then genuinely think that people; inspired by your tenacity to the cause, will start going to the gym!

This is not the first example I've seen of digs made about weight regardless of the spectrum. Slim men have their masculinity questioned when they don't have a 6 pack #DoYouEvenLiftBro style. Overweight people are filmed on the treadmill for purely malicious purposes. Many times i've questioned why I even follow Gym Memes on Facebook, because of the odd things that come through causing a judgemental stir that i'm not necessarily comfortable with. The labels fat shaming and skinny shaming get thrown about whenever a debate of this nature comes into the limelight. Being overweight in our society is bloody hard and I've never even experienced it. I feel for those who are judged for their 'excess' weight, because everyone questions and scrutinises their life choices, as though they are instantly better human beings for being a size 10 rather than a 18. 

The fact of the matter is, we are all built differently and think differently too. We process failure and success, heartache and joy uniquely. It is not fair to assume and generalise everyone over a size 16 is a lazy, gluttonous 'drain on society'.  What do you know about the intricacies of that person's life and what they maybe are going through other than assumptions.  Without meaning to be callous, would you mock a girl with Anorexia? No. 

For me the issue is a bit deeper than what's been discussed by others who have approached this topic and this eediyat of a woman's video. If obesity is a problem why are we not doing more to encourage change for health and support those who are having difficulties, instead of throwing them in virtual stocks and pelting them with tomatoes.  Why does society apparently only feel sympathy and compassion to people suffering with eating disorders at the skinnier end of the spectrum? Yup that is a sweeping statement I know, but hear me out:

When parents or doctors find out that their child is battling Anorexia, their immediate response is to rally around to support and nurture that child. They are afraid and confused. Now replicate that situation but with a child who is a size 16 at 14 years old.  Maybe quite unbeknownst to the parents, their child is struggling with chronic depression further fuelled by the likes of the 'Nicole Arbours' of the world or a binge eating disorder. They may even shrug it off because 'my child eats a lot and is a growing girl/boy'. The support network is not as noticeably there in my opinion. The child in question then recedes deeper into themselves because no one is noticing anything but the initial visible difference, and everyone is criticising them at school and on the internet. Surely an eating disorder is serious whichever form it takes and we should be trying to support those who are going through Anorexia AND binge eating disorders equally! 

Another thing people seem overwhelmed by is the fact that some of their fellow humans enjoy being the weight they are and like food! They enjoy being slim or they enjoy having a larger frame. If everyone wasn't so freaking critical, a lot of the people who get judged for yoyo dieting probably wouldn't be yoyo dieting in the first place!! They've been shamed into thinking their bodies are wrong for whatever reason and so do things to fit the norm they've been told to adjust themselves to. We get one life. Who are we to judge a size 4 or a size 24? 

We all know a skinny person who eats like a horse and doesn't gain weight. They too are judged, told to eat a burger and made to feel ashamed for the way their body processes things. This in itself is a big problem but comments of this nature appear to stem from jealously rather than socially orchestrated hatred or disgust. Maybe; just maybe,  if we invested more time in creating a support network for those who are struggling with their weight at both ends of the scale, we would have a society more equipped to manage these situations with care rather than social outrage. Also, if we tried to have a bit of self censorship before making sweeping assumptions about people we don't know, maybe the world would be a less catty place. 

To sum up my response to this video in one sentence all I will say is this: Go Home Nicole Arbleugh You're Drunk because if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say it at all! 

Why It's Good To Be a "Broke Ass Bitch" At Least Once In Your Life

The title of this post is a little misleading because when I say Broke Ass Bitch, I don't mean a "Look Pretty and Be Paid For by a Rich Man" kind of woman.  I'm talking about why it's good; as an 'independent woman' (ick at the term), to experience financial hardship at least once in your life. This also applies to men too so read orrrn.

"But Lucy, why should anyone have to go through that?" I hear you say. 

Well, it's as simple as this: You never truly learn the value of money until you have none! When we are growing up, our parents might teach us to be grateful and not to demand certain things and there's a reason for this. They fully understood the value of the money that they earned. When we are children and teenagers we still don't seem to fully grasp it. We know that expensive means pricey and may cheekily give our mums the dough eyes (to make her crack and buy it)!.  Your Dad might tell you 'maybe if you're good this year Father Christmas will get it for you!"... but inside they may be thinking "Shit. How the heck are we going to pay for this" or "Shit. Why does my child have such expensive taste? Couldn't they just want a Nokia 3310!!!!!".  Whilst in the throngs of hormonal imbalances, raging acne and trying to obtain the same gadgets that your best friend had, we didn't really appear to know or need to know, that money wasn't as easy to obtain as it was to demand. 

Don't get me wrong, not everyone has been brought up the same way and i'm not here to criticise anyone's parenting style. Some parents say no and teach that you have to work hard to have money, others have a whole lot more money to share with their children and want to give them the best things they can. Both of which stem from good intentions, but I think a lot of kids would say they probably didn't really care; that the £600 phone they were demanding, was actually a huge expenditure!! 

Growing up around a lot of much wealthier kids, I did naturally find it frustrating that I couldn't have some of the things they had, or the audacity to outright ask each of my parents for £30.  It was GHD hair straighteners and phones at my school. As a girl with enormous hair, those £100 GHD's were all my hair prayers answered.  Then there was the £120 flip phones that resembled gadgets from James Bond, that of course my friend HAD to get first. Compared to my brick with an antenna (!), that tore a hole in my blazer and weighed the same as me, the green eyed monster loomed! Unsurprisingly I never did get either and by the time I was old enough to buy them myself from my first job, I wasn't bothered anymore. 

But I digress. Why the hell is it good to be a broke ass bitch? Be it as a teenager or a young adult, nothing grounds you quite as much as having nought but moths in your purse. Nothing drags you kicking and screaming into reality like having to turn things down because; dare you say it 'bloody hell that's a bit expensive and money is tight right now'. So you got a car for your 18th birthday from your parents, that's great and lovely and generous... But now you're 23, you've been made redundant and you can't afford a Pot Noodle let alone petrol. Your instinct is to do one of two things:

1) Scrabble around trying to find money again, be it by getting a new job as a webcam girl or selling some of your most prized posessions to cover your rent next month. 

2) Frantically running back to your parents, like you just lost them in a multi-storey Tesco. 

It is horrible to experience BUT nothing will give you a crash course in life and finances like having to count every penny that comes in or having to crawl back to those you were so adamant to prove how independent you were ;). Suddenly you realise why they winced when you said you wanted to "go shopping", or strategically left the Argos catalogue by their bed with every Barbie or Action man circled.  

I don't wish hardship on anyone because; if it can be avoided, why would you want to have to struggle? But I write this post more to encourage those who are finding it tough to see a positive in the negative experience that having little to no money can have. It will make you more aware of your income and expenditure each month, it may force you to make compromises in the products you buy and cause you to find something new you like, it could also give you time to reassess what you want from your career. When you come out the other side and find that great job, or your new company starts breaking even, or your mum does agree to help you cover your rent for the next month (because she's a ledge), at least you will know just how much she did for you and how to plan ahead for the future in case it happens again. 

Why It's OK to To Be Different.

As a commenter on the Daily Mail website; not to be confused with keyboard warrior, windup merchant or troll, I was enthused to start my own blog when I realised I got too wound up by the DM, had a lot to say but no where to say it. Luckily for anyone reading this, you won't find any tattoo bashing, Conservative/UKIP plugging, 'working class' hating going on here.

In this world of celebrity culture, corruption and general idiots I will quite happily remain an outsider. When I was a child through to a teenager, I enjoyed being unashamedly myself which was a combination of dare I say it, embarrassingly immature, but also switched on to the world around me and I actively didn't want to be a part of it. Of course I was bullied for this. Now that I am older, I feel like I still can't escape the beady eye of some of my peers. If I don't contour my face every day i'm lazy,  if I don't spend every waking moment of my life obsessing over obtaining a beach body, i'm not going to be considered attractive.

I didn't care to be the most popular at school, I just wanted to enjoy life which has stretched into adulthood.  Metaphorically speaking, I sometimes look around me as though everyone's in a Sims game that I am not a part of, or like I am a creator of a Matrix world just watching over everyone with a large glass of wine and a raised eyebrow... a bit like how I imagine God would...not that I am putting myself in the same category!! What I mean by all this is, I am quite happy keeping myself to myself, reading a good book or even writing my own book and what gets me is that people find this so strange.

The amount of times people look at me questioningly when I tell them that I love science, quantum physics, fixing computers and trying to help fix my boyfriend's car, just as much as I love dressing up for nights out and talking about Mulberry handbags. I enjoy walking around museums, going to parks & discussing the meaning of life over (another) glass of wine with my boyfriend; getting no closer to the answer but closer to the bottom of the bottle, whilst revelling in the mystery of it all. Real life fascinates me and I find it sad that it doesn't do the same for quite a lot of young people now.

What's most important here is that liking all of these thinks is OK too. Having interests that other people find boring or not stereotypically something your gender is supposed to like is OK. If you let sheepy, jealous and insecure people dictate what you should and shouldn't be doing, you not only let them think they are right, you restrict your own happiness.

The older I get, the more averse I become to participating in the rat race that is life's popularity contest. I don't aspire to move into a posh 'bisous' / 'not even a studio flat' just off the Kings Road; that costs 80% of my monthly salary, just to look like I can afford a certain lifestyle. I don't want 1 million Instagram followers and I won't upload a selfie or butt shot every single day to keep them there. I don't pretend to love someone 3x my age to get money from them. I am not a social climber that uses and abuses people for my own gain- all of this instant gratification narcissism bullshit can jog on and for me to feel that is OK.

It's shocking what people are prepared to do to themselves to gain popularity and they don't see anything wrong with it. It's OK to have a boob job because YOU don't really like your boobs, but it's not ok to see a celebrity do it and decide you want one too- just because it's got that celebrity 999,999 likes on Instagram and a free supply of Triangl bikinis. In creating these images for themselves they are reinforcing this idea that conformity wins over everything, or that you can never succeed or be good enough if you are just 100% yourself.  This is so wrong.

If it's not in seeing the likes of the Kylie Jenners of the world, morphing before our eyes into combinations of Blac Chyna and Jocelyn Wildenstein before they hit 20, or seeing the Daily Mail reporting on the rise of knee fat and cankles in women, it's going to be something else ridiculous.  No one can win in this game once they start playing it. The only people who reap the benefits of increased social insecurity are the media, who keep churning articles and magazines out with the sole intention of making you question yourself, your body or your life choices aaaand the plastic surgeons who are getting all of this new business.

I'm going to end on this. People who seek to humiliate you for the way you do things are often intimidated by something...whether it's your confidence, your happiness, what you look like or what you have. Someone with a seemingly 'socially acceptable' & perfect life can be equally jealous of you, for many things and often times they will try and push you off course by making you doubt yourself. Lastly, comparing yourself to the people in the media; who are themselves, either trying to portray a certain image, or being criticised for not, is like chasing a rainbow only to find there is no pot of gold at the end. It is OK to be quirky and like other things. It's the people with something different to offer that will end up leading the best lives overall.